Posts Tagged ‘issues’

It really is NOT a nice day for a white wedding… far, far from it! 😦 It’s raining heavy therefore it is very dull, it’s also cold and WINDY! 😦 booooooo! I have no doubt it will still be the happiest day of A’s life but given that it was sooo nice yesterday, it seems very mean of the weather gods.

I slept well but feel a bit like the cold I had in Scotland is trying to make a re-appearance. I’m a bit bunged in my sinuses and tickly in my nose. I think it’s because I had such a crap week, if ever I have a period of stress or missed sleep, I end up with a cold or sore throat.

Things with my bfs place are getting sorted- our new pine table will be here next week too, so by the weekend following, all the jobs on the place will be DONE!

It’s a really boring morning. I hate days/weather like this. The most exciting things about my morning have been: getting up to answer the phone and my heart rate not even getting TO 1oo. (Usually that takes it to around 120-130) and RUNNING upstairs and it only getting to 105. (Usually climbing the stairs it would be 150 or more, well from when I measured it pre-meds that is). I’m wearing my chest strap and monitor because I’m so fascinated to see how this med it helping already AND even better- it’s doing so without making me feel drugged up!!! 😀 WOO HOOOO! 😀 Honestly, like my friend T said, I don’t even know why they try beta blockers first. This seems far superior to me!

What else can I write about to pass the time…? Well, I wrote a great entry about relationships in my LJ last night, but I can’t remember my own words of wisdom by now, LOL! I was just saying how it’s a learning process and you have to learn to accept someone’s faults as well and if you can live with them. I could have thought to myself ‘my bf can’t handle my condition so I’m going to leave him’ and thrown in the towel but that wouldn’t have been giving him a chance to learn how to handle it! I always believe in giving people chances. Even if he can’t handle it, it doesn’t mean I have to throw in the towel. I handled it by myself for the past 10 years, I also have great friends and a wonderful support network online. I don’t actually NEED to talk to him about it at all. If it’s depressing me I can just say “I’m fed up with my condition today” and leave it at that. He’s the type who’d try to cheer me up and make me laugh somehow and sometimes that’s just what I need, to help me forget about it. I think that’s what he was trying to do, really. Take my focus off of it. I’m sure he didn’t mean ‘don’t talk about it ever’ or that he expected me to bottle it up. I think it was like C was saying, he just doesn’t want to see it change me or make me become a victim of it. So I don’t need to be upset about what he said, even though at the time hearing it made me feel like my world was crashing down around me. He did even say he wanted me to help him help me. He wasn’t meaning about the condition, but just generally for us both to help one another be better people. And in his eyes I’d be a better person if I wasn’t talking about it so much, telling him I’m tired, dizzy, whatever. He was advising me to focus on other things. He said if I feel that way every day, why mention it? Just focus on something else, something positive. And I more than anyone know that’s right because you get what you focus on, so if I’m always focusing on how dizzy and tired I feel, I’ll just notice it more! Okay yeah, sometimes it’s a bit insulting because in his naivete he thinks that “transformational vocabulary” (that’s using less charged words so instead of saying “I’m tired” say “I’m recharging my batteries”) could be enough to stop the fatigue, which is quite ridiculous but I can give it a try, make it a habit, and it could IMPROVE things at least. He wasn’t being mean when advising me this way, in fact the funny thing is, it is EXACTLY the sort of thing I’d say if I was in his shoes! If I’d never experienced chronic illness, chronic fatigue, and didn’t know what it was really like, I’d be all gung ho about trying to help someone change how they think and talk about it so that they didn’t suffer as much.

So really, he is only trying to help. It came across a bit selfish like- “I don’t want to hear it” but really, he most likely meant “I don’t want to hear it all the time, because it drags US down”. He was thinking of us both.

So, I’m okay with it. I feel stronger about it all now, moving onwards and upwards!

Oh, blaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhh to the weather! It really doesn’t inspire me to put on a pretty dress and shoes. 😦 But I’m sure once I am there and INDOORS it will be enjoyable. And I WON’T be losing any KEYS!!!! lol.

Additional: WOOO HOOOO!!!! How awesome is this, I just did myself some soup for dinner and I was stood up stirring it with a STANDING HEART RATE (yes, I had to emphasize that this was STANDING lol) of 74!!!! SEVENTY FOUR, STANDING!!!!! *\o/* (that’s supposed to be like a cheerleader with pom poms LOL). *\o/*


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