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Posts Tagged ‘goals’

10 years since getting POTs, 7 years since graduating university, 4 years since first having this as a serious idea… I’ve finally been accepted to do a PGCE! (Post Graduate Certificate in Education).

This means that come Summer 2013 (a long way off yes I know) I will be a teacher.

That is a scaaaaary yet also very exciting thought!

Back in 2007 I wanted to do this, applied to York, got an interview but then chickened out. In 2008 I almost applied to do a GTP (Graduate Teacher Program) but again chickened out. The doubts got to me, other people who doubted my ability to achieve it got to me, FEAR got to me… and I gave up temporarily on the dream.

I’m not being idealistic calling it a dream because I know being a teacher is damned hard work, especially in this country lately, with the government sticking its great fat unwanted nose in at every opportunity. I know that although the working hours (at the moment!) are very agreeable, there is sooo much work put in after hours that teachers bloody NEED those long holidays other professionals shun them for to catch up on all the paperwork and recover from all the hard graft! I know what I’m letting myself in for and yet… I don’t know. I don’t know because I’ve never actually DONE it. Never actually got up at 7am been in work for 8am left at 4pm, marked and planned and done domestics until bed and starting the whole day over again. It’s very, very scary. It’s like throwing myself into the deep end of shark infested waters waving a red cape like a rag to a bull. Or something.

I want to do this because of a few things. I love kids. I love how I feel around kids. I love how rewarding helping kids is. I’m stubborn. I want to ‘show POTs’ and stick it in the corner where it belongs. Make it wear the dunces cap and stay in that corner while I bloody get on with MY LIFE!

I’ve also come a long way since first getting POTs. I don’t have to take afternoon ‘granny naps’ anymore. I can walk for miles and even run (as I discovered yesterday when running home to check my application status because my phone alerted me that it had changed). No need to mention that a 2 metre sprint had me shaking, almost passing out and wanting to throw up… I still did it! I’ve come a LONG way from the girl with the post viral fatigue (and unbeknownst to me, POTs) who would have to fight to stay awake on the bus travelling into uni. Who couldn’t drive. Who didn’t have a wonderful, supportive partner and amazingly fabulous fun friends around her. Who didn’t have a wonderful network of POTs friends and confidants who truly know and understand the struggle of every day with this disorder. I didn’t have the good doctors I now have, helping me. The medications. The KNOWLEDGE of what I have and how to help myself. Knowledge is POWER!

I know this will be hard. I’m all kinds of a little bit terrified. But it will also be wonderful. I will count my blessings that I’ve made it to this point where I feel on top of my illness just enough to do this! Even though it will be hard, even though it will take its toll… I’m already meeting new people on my course thanks to social media. The course itself looks loads of fun! Long hours, hard work, but I’m sure it will be rewarding. It might just be the best thing I’ve ever done, aside from meeting my partner and my trip to Peru.

It will also allow me to have a more ‘normal’ life. The life that POTs stole from me. Going to work, earning a living, achieving a dream. Plus it gives me a unique perspective. I will champion my class, each and every one, make them feel like they can reach for the stars, because the most important thing to take with you in life is self belief. With that, the impossible is merely that which has not yet been attempted. The impossible becomes achievable, becomes a reality. Never say never, get rid of “can’t”.

So, even though this is going to be probably the hardest challenge I’ve ever taken on… I CAN DO IT. I will be like the little train in the movie Dumbo, chugging up the steep, almost vertical hill saying ‘I can make it I can make it I can make it’ and then when I’ve done it and I’m at the top and the struggle is over I will let out that triumphant WOO WOOO! and steam away down the hill singing ‘I thought I could I thought I could I thought I could!’

Fear is like heavy carriages that the train could be dragging along, slowing its progress up the hill, even at times halting it or dragging it back down to the bottom, where it just looks up at the hill and thinks- I can’t get up there. No more of that for me now. I’m ditching those carriages of fear and chugging up that hill, slowly steadily and surely reaching my destination, shaping my life, taking control of my destiny.

 

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