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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

10 years since getting POTs, 7 years since graduating university, 4 years since first having this as a serious idea… I’ve finally been accepted to do a PGCE! (Post Graduate Certificate in Education).

This means that come Summer 2013 (a long way off yes I know) I will be a teacher.

That is a scaaaaary yet also very exciting thought!

Back in 2007 I wanted to do this, applied to York, got an interview but then chickened out. In 2008 I almost applied to do a GTP (Graduate Teacher Program) but again chickened out. The doubts got to me, other people who doubted my ability to achieve it got to me, FEAR got to me… and I gave up temporarily on the dream.

I’m not being idealistic calling it a dream because I know being a teacher is damned hard work, especially in this country lately, with the government sticking its great fat unwanted nose in at every opportunity. I know that although the working hours (at the moment!) are very agreeable, there is sooo much work put in after hours that teachers bloody NEED those long holidays other professionals shun them for to catch up on all the paperwork and recover from all the hard graft! I know what I’m letting myself in for and yet… I don’t know. I don’t know because I’ve never actually DONE it. Never actually got up at 7am been in work for 8am left at 4pm, marked and planned and done domestics until bed and starting the whole day over again. It’s very, very scary. It’s like throwing myself into the deep end of shark infested waters waving a red cape like a rag to a bull. Or something.

I want to do this because of a few things. I love kids. I love how I feel around kids. I love how rewarding helping kids is. I’m stubborn. I want to ‘show POTs’ and stick it in the corner where it belongs. Make it wear the dunces cap and stay in that corner while I bloody get on with MY LIFE!

I’ve also come a long way since first getting POTs. I don’t have to take afternoon ‘granny naps’ anymore. I can walk for miles and even run (as I discovered yesterday when running home to check my application status because my phone alerted me that it had changed). No need to mention that a 2 metre sprint had me shaking, almost passing out and wanting to throw up… I still did it! I’ve come a LONG way from the girl with the post viral fatigue (and unbeknownst to me, POTs) who would have to fight to stay awake on the bus travelling into uni. Who couldn’t drive. Who didn’t have a wonderful, supportive partner and amazingly fabulous fun friends around her. Who didn’t have a wonderful network of POTs friends and confidants who truly know and understand the struggle of every day with this disorder. I didn’t have the good doctors I now have, helping me. The medications. The KNOWLEDGE of what I have and how to help myself. Knowledge is POWER!

I know this will be hard. I’m all kinds of a little bit terrified. But it will also be wonderful. I will count my blessings that I’ve made it to this point where I feel on top of my illness just enough to do this! Even though it will be hard, even though it will take its toll… I’m already meeting new people on my course thanks to social media. The course itself looks loads of fun! Long hours, hard work, but I’m sure it will be rewarding. It might just be the best thing I’ve ever done, aside from meeting my partner and my trip to Peru.

It will also allow me to have a more ‘normal’ life. The life that POTs stole from me. Going to work, earning a living, achieving a dream. Plus it gives me a unique perspective. I will champion my class, each and every one, make them feel like they can reach for the stars, because the most important thing to take with you in life is self belief. With that, the impossible is merely that which has not yet been attempted. The impossible becomes achievable, becomes a reality. Never say never, get rid of “can’t”.

So, even though this is going to be probably the hardest challenge I’ve ever taken on… I CAN DO IT. I will be like the little train in the movie Dumbo, chugging up the steep, almost vertical hill saying ‘I can make it I can make it I can make it’ and then when I’ve done it and I’m at the top and the struggle is over I will let out that triumphant WOO WOOO! and steam away down the hill singing ‘I thought I could I thought I could I thought I could!’

Fear is like heavy carriages that the train could be dragging along, slowing its progress up the hill, even at times halting it or dragging it back down to the bottom, where it just looks up at the hill and thinks- I can’t get up there. No more of that for me now. I’m ditching those carriages of fear and chugging up that hill, slowly steadily and surely reaching my destination, shaping my life, taking control of my destiny.

 

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Not long now…

til my exam, so I have been furiously studying today!

I love learning all the A and P stuff, just wish I didn’t have the stress of worrying about remembering it for the exam!

I have been having a bad fatigue day today, the 2-day heatwave we had meant a loss of sleep so I have been very sleepy and very thirsty and weak today, every time I’ve stood up I’ve had to rush whatever I’m doing to sit back down again asap, as I’ve been much more tachycardic and faint than usual for me. However, studying hard took my mind off it to some extent and I felt a little bit like the old Laura, the one who used to get a real buzz and excitement from learning and study. I’ve always loved to learn and one of the biggest frustrations of having pots has been how that has made it harder to focus and concentrate due to the fatigue- I find that a few hours of studying leaves me feeling weak and dizzy as if I’ve been running on a treadmill. However, I’ve managed to push through it as best I can and for the most part enjoyed it.

Funnily enough, I took a little break to watch my favourite TV show- Grey’s Anatomy- and since I’ve been studying this anatomy and physiology, things they say on the show now make sense to me! For example, today during the ‘morbidity and mortality’ meeting, Dr Burke spoke of a patient who died of a CVA. I never knew what a CVA was but after having studied, despite never having seen it abbreviated that way, my brain went- “Oh they mean a cerebro-vascular accident!” ( a stroke in layman’s terms). Then I felt all giddy with myself for understanding ‘doctor speak’ hehehe.

I’m also really excited about starting up my reflexology business when I’ve got my qualification. I keep getting hypnosis clients and thinking- if I can persuade them to try reflexology after I’ve treated them with hypnosis, they might become a regular customer, then pass my details on to a friend or family member- and it will all start building up- which is really exciting! I love helping people, it gives me a real buzz and makes me feel great. I sometimes have this crazy notion of helping people with POTS and ME to lead better lives with reflexology helping reduce their symptoms, and being THE go-to person for treatment so that people travel from all over to come and see me, as not only are my treatments grand but I also understand first hand what it’s like (wow, that wasn’t meant to be so rhymey lol).  Although then I think of the practicalities of people being scattered around the country and our inability to travel long distances- I can’t get to them due to being a potsy myself and they probably can’t get to me- so I regard it as just being fanciful but even if I don’t ever get to help potsies it’s great to help people in general- plus the scope for expansion is great- I’m thinking of doing fertility and maternity reflexology and baby reflexology too.

So, it’s a tiring time and my social life is suffering vastly as I haven’t the time much less the energy for social events, I think some of my less-understanding friends are going to be peeved with me behind my back but I’m not concerned, I’m doing this for myself and my future- true friends will understand that and not take my lack of being sociable lately personally!

One thing I am very much looking forward to with quite girlish giddy excitement is a day trip to the space centre with my partner… it’s quite romantic for us as it’s the place where we went on our first proper ‘date’ and the day we got together 2 years ago- we are going on our anniversary next Monday! It should be a fun day plus a day that’s also filled with happy memories.

I’m not going to the walking group’s summer ball this year 😦 It’s really disappointing, but the venue is in a small semi underground bar and you can’t go outside after 10pm, yet it’s just as expensive as the previous years have been when it was held at nice hotels with posh lawned gardens and grounds. I have decided not to go because I think that with everyone being crammed inside it will just be too noisy and crowded to enjoy, plus it’s not at all like a ball because the venue is just not right. Sad because I look forward to this event all year as I love a good social occasion and a chance to dress up, but this year it’s not for me. I will therefore be saving my pennies for an upcoming holiday with my bf, something I am very much looking forward to as it will be so nice to get away together and relax. 🙂

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I’m eating DELICIOUS wheat free Tortilla chips as I write this, omg they are gorgeous, and I’m sooo hungry too, so I just can’t stop! lol. Eating healthier is going really well though, this is one of the only “naughty” things I’ve had lately, apart from some chocolate yesterday. I’ve been eating lots of fruit! Lidl has a great selection so I’m having fruit salads every day.

Last night, I dreamt I was in Florida hanging with the TDC peeps. It was SUCH A GREAT DREAM! Even though not real, it left me with such a great feeling all day.

Today, I went shopping with my Mum and bought some curtains for my bfs place. I just need to get a pole and then we can hang them this weekend! The final touches will really make it into a home for us. Can’t wait! I also ordered a bathroom cupboard for the bleach and stuff, so we don’t have to have it out on display.

I got a lovely new scarf that’s teal coloured and has sparkles in it! It’s also bouncy! I can’t explain it, it’s the material and the way it’s woven together- tug on it and it bounces. Springy I guess would be a better way to say it. hehee.

I also got fleece headbands for when out walking, as it’s that time of year when it’s not really cold enough for a hat, but it’s cold on my ears and that hurts- I was thinking I needed something but wasn’t sure what and I happened to see these in a sports shop, so that’s great! It was buy one get one free so I got a dark pink and a purple. Actually they were the only colours available as I don’t have much pink, I tend to not like it on me- but it’s okay for a headband and actually the colour suits my haircolour.

This evening, I went to meet friends at the cinema. I am so chuffed with myself because I went on the motorway! I’ve been driving for 4 years now and have never been on the motorway because big lorries scare me, but the funny thing is since being on ivabradine I just have more confidence in general. I wonder if part of having tachycardia means that you get more anxiety as a result, because your body has more like stress running through it, so you worry/get scared more easily? Because I still don’t like lorries but I didn’t feel half as scared as before- before I wouldn’t even have done it- especially not as it was dark too! But I loved it! I even overtook a lorry! 🙂 WOO HOOOO! I drove on the motorway there AND coming back- despite being a bit tired after the film. It’s like I feel like I WANT to challenge myself now instead of making excuses and reasons not to face my fears. It felt great!

It was nice to see my friends too and the film was funny. Oh what was so funny was when we went in, I was first in the queue out of me and my friends and when it was my turn to be served and buy the tickets- the name of the film had gone out of my mind! So I asked my friend and she couldn’t remember either! I was acting really potsy but the funny thing was so was she! In the end I was the one who remembered, though it was triggered by her mentioning part of the title but getting it slightly wrong. Then when we went into the cinema we turned the wrong way and were confronted by this locked staff only door and looked all confused at it. It was really funny coz it’s usually me being like that and feeling pretty silly as everyone else is with it but we were all as bad as each other tonight!

So yeah, it was a good day today. I’m off out tomorrow for tea with another friend too so that will be nice. Things are good right now and I’m enjoying it! 🙂

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Weird dream…

I am getting signs from the universe to improve my diet. (I’m a big believer in ‘signs’). First of all, I ate cheesecake at the wedding and ended up with pain and nausea for 3 days afterwards. My tummy still doesn’t feel “back to normal”- every time I eat something, it feels like it’s having a hard time digesting it.

So, I thought to myself, really- it’s not worth it. So I was already thinking of improving my diet. I also added in almonds for a snack as I read somewhere that they have a lot of minerals in them that’s good for potsies, and I started eating sardines.

Then, my bf started talking to me about a book he’s read called ‘fit for life’. All about eating healthy. He wants me to borrow it after he’s read it again. One of the things it recommends is not letting anything except fruit past your lips before 12 noon. So I’m going to try that. My bf was sweet too as he said ‘that should help you with your dehydration as you’ll also be getting water from the fruit.’ 🙂

Then, at the end of my second reflexology course day yesterday, I got my next assignment- which is to research the history of healthy diets and to write about some of the diets that are popular right now- any that interest you.

So, I believe those are all ‘signs’ to lead me in the right direction.

Another thing, I had a strange dream last night that I was sitting at a table with lots of people who were eating KFC in front of me. They were all gnawing on these chicken drumsticks and saying how delicious they were and my response was “You know what, I don’t care- I know it’s not good for me.” I also dreamt I was eating walnuts, and very strangely this morning my Mum read something out to me from the paper “Eating walnuts can help to reduce stress.” Now, I don’t even LIKE walnuts but I believe it is another sign and so I’m going to get some.

I truly believe that your body will let you know what it needs, in cravings or dreams. And that if you’re to hear an important message, you’ll keep stumbling across it in various ways- e.g. newspaper articles, overheard snippets of conversation, things on the radio, things people post or write on facebook… etc. So as lately I keep seeing/reading/hearing messages about healthy eating, AND also dreaming about foods I wouldn’t consciously choose to eat like walnuts, I believe I need to start taking more care about what I put into my body. So I’m starting today and I just ate a delicious red, crunchy English apple for breakfast. 🙂

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